When I run across a great book I love to pass on it’s goodness to my friends. In this spirit I asked Danielle Hart, a Mission Volunteer and recently married seminary student, to give her review of the book HOW WE LOVE by MIlan and Kay Yerkovich. So many people have challenges in their relationships, we need all the great resources we can get. Thanks to Danielle for the recommendation and review. DC
Have you ever noticed how the beginning of almost any relationship is perfect? That woman you met at the department store just connects with you like nobody has before, and soon they’re your new best friend. Or that man you ran into while buying groceries is wonderful. Nobody has ever made you feel like that before, and before you know it, you’re married and thinking you found the perfect husband. This relational bliss can go on for months, but the inevitable pitfalls always come. Maybe they aren’t quite as nice as you thought. Maybe they don’t quite connect with you like they used to. Maybe you feel like you are walking on eggshells with the person you used to be head over heels in love with. We’ve all been through it. The perfect relationship isn’t so perfect anymore, and we start to see destructive patterns form. No matter what we do, we can’t seem to change them. We get into the same arguments over and over again.
The book “How We Love” by Milan & Kay Yerkovich helps us understand that the way we love in our relationships and marriages began developing in childhood. The environment we grew up in, our childhood experiences, and how we were raised all combined to produce what’s called a “love style.” This love style permeates all of our relationships and how we interact with people, especially those that are closest to us, such as our spouse. There are 6 love styles; one is healthy, 5 are destructive. “How We Love” delves into each love style, covering the childhood environments that produce each love style, the adult manifestations and difficulties of each style, and finally, solutions and principles that can give you hope for your marriage and relationships. It comes with a workbook to really work through each style and to help you grow and change your style to a healthier one.
The following are the 6 different love styles; the characteristics of each and the environments that could produce each style.
1. The Secure Connector
Home Environment
• Has had needs recognized and cared for consistently
• Learned how to trust their parents, and depend on relationships for security
• Learned how to share feelings and recognize those of others
• Learned patience and respect
• Were allowed to feel a wide range of emotion & how to deal with them appropriately
• Learned how to be both dependent and independent
• Learned how to say no, to take risks, to ask for help, compromise, and apologizing
As Adults
• Allows two people to connect on a deep level
• Able to give and receive love and comfort; able to depend on each other
• They can express their feelings without fear
2. The Avoider
Home Environment
• Parents ignored or weren’t tuned into children’s feelings
• Weren’t taught to feel a wide range of emotions, or how to deal with them
• Children became independent; to hold back feelings and not depend on others
• They learned to be recognized for achievements and performance.
As Adults
• Feel a limited range of emotion; even tempered, don’t desire emotional connection
• Never ask for comfort and never want to talk about anything dealing with emotion
• They need their space and receive comfort from physical activity or shopping, etc.
• Tend to figure things out on their own, never asking for help
• They don’t cry or feel sad
3. The Vacillator
Home Environment
• Experienced times of abandonment growing up
• Sometimes parents would connect, but not consistently
• Children become aware of others’ emotions and adjust behavior accordingly
• They had enough connection to want more, and get frustrated when they don’t get it
• Child may feel anxious when a parent is absent and angry at their return
As Adults
• They want connection, love and attention
• Have intense new relationships, believing intimacy is just around the corner
• Reality comes and their expectations aren’t met, they are hurt and angry
• They want their mate, but then push them away because of unmet expectations
• Experience a lot of anxiety, believing all others will abandon them at some point
• Feel unwanted or afraid when they are disappointed and my end relationships
• Rarely see themselves as the problem
• Seem to want more out of relationships than others & need to feel special, all the time
4. The Pleaser
Home Environment
• May have had overprotective parents who worried all the time, causing child anxiety
• This parent may discourage child from taking risks & rescue child from trouble
• Learn they always need help and don’t learn how to deal with emotion
• May have had critical or harsh parents causing child to avoid criticism at all costs
• Find relief for anxiety by making others happy
• There could have been separation from illness, death, addictions, or abuse
• Experienced a form of abandonment
As Adults
• When space or tension occurs, they try to close the gap by making the other person happy again
• There is a lot of worry behind the stress
• When a partner wants alone time, may feel anxious or rejected
• Need someone to take care of & avoid decision making
• Depend on encouragement and reassurance and praise
• Ignore their own needs by focusing on others
5. Chaotic (Controller and Victim)
Home Environment
• Parents have addictions, mental illness, or are completely absent
• Children are in constant terror
• Parents have high stress levels and need to control children
• Often abuse, marital discord, physical violence, and divorce
• Children can’t predict what comes next; can’t learn how to deal with tension
• Children often play out trauma with their toys and games
• Learn to dissociate and go someplace else in their minds
• Always anxious; sleep disturbances, nightmares, bedwetting
• High risk for substance abuse, sexual activity, high risk behaviors
As Adults
• Difficulty remembering childhood & can’t sympathize with the child they once were
• Report sad events with no emotion, or maybe laughter
• Can’t tolerate emotion in others
• High levels of stress are normal; need intensity for any sort of connection
• Needs were neglected, so they can’t take care of their own needs or anyone else’s
The Controller (chaotic)
• Children that are born strong tend to fight back and control others, often with anger
• Feel threatened by a spouse’s other relationships
• Don’t take being questioned very well
• Quickly blame others for their own actions
• Highly critical of others and often degrades family members
• Main defense is anger
• Often move on to abuse their own children
The Victim (chaotic)
• More passive children tend to detach from situations and become invisible
• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Deny that life is terrible and rationalize abuse
• Believe they are at fault and unlovable
• They would rather be abused than be alone
• Usually they are depressed, often living in numb detachment
• They comply with their spouse’s every demand to be safe
• Never speak about any abuse because of the fear of the spouse
• They often have a lot of physical conditions as stress affects their bodies
Although all of these love styles are destructive to our relationships, there are ways and strategies to overcome them and to be healthy again. The remainder of “How We Love” reviews some common duos; which love styles tend to marry each other and the ways these styles play out in marriages. It also goes over some techniques and strategies of change. If you struggle in your relationships, I would encourage you to read the book, and perhaps seek professional counseling. You don’t have to be stuck in the same destructive patters and be miserable for the rest of your life. There is hope.
