From the outside looking in on a relationship, it appears easy to spot enabling. You can be objective, you clearly understand the motives of the addicted, and you know that the one who is “helping” the addict, is actually making it easier for the addict to live the addictive lifestyle. The enabler is paying the bills, covering up for the addict, and generally doing all the things enablers do.
But when looking at our own behaviors and examining our own relationships we have rationalizations and excuses for why we enable. Yes, you realize you are making excuses for the addict, but no one understands them like you do. of course you understand that providing financial support to an addict is dangerous enabling, but you think in this situation it’s different. There is no shortage of excuses, and we are likely to cling to any and all to excuse our own behavior.
Enabling is any behavior which removes or softens consequences of addiction. To properly examine your own behavior relating to an addict you have to focus on the behavior, not the reason or excuse given for why the behavior.
In other words, by holding tight to your reason, no matter how justified you feel, you will never be able to grasp whether your behavior is actually making it easier for the person you love, the addict you love, to continue using. In the end, if what you are doing is keeping the person you love active in their addiction – you are enabling – no matter how you may feel about it.
David Curry
